Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Emotions don't follow logic
I'm a portrait of human frailty. Look at me if it helps anyone understand anything. I'm not seeking advice, just being me to several hundred people who've never met me.
I think it's just as well I'm probably going away from here in September. I knew getting over Laura wasn't going to be easy because I didn't want to even try to get over her. I can categorically say that I've never cared so deeply for another girl in my life. But I realized that if I don't somehow get over her, as soon as she starts dating someone else, it's going to tear me up inside if I still care about and want to be with her as much as I do now. In a perfect world, perhaps there would be no "I want" in the picture, with me just trying to be happy for her... then again, I'm not sure whether that's really humanly expectable, with or without the presence of selfishness that we all carry in this life. I was almost about to tell her this, since I had been avoiding giving the whole truth in a conversation a few nights ago, but I ultimately didn't say all this, because 1. I think she already figured this out for herself and 2. I wouldn't want to put undue pressure on her and make her feel uncomfortable or like I was putting any restrictions on her freedom. Honestly, perhaps she wouldn't have been afraid of re-awakening the claustrophobic feelings she described if I hadn't been so keen to spend time with her at every chance I got before I spoke to her. I don't know. I think she knows in theory that my views of dating are pretty much "just friends" in that two people freely choose to spend time together without any contractual binding. In other words, dating is not a pseudo-marriage, it's not "a committed relationship" and there's no contract saying "thou must spendeth X amount of time with the other person or we'll sue thine ass". It's a category of friendship, in my eyes. Only when it approaches questions of marriage does it become serious. If she saw that in practice maybe her views would change, I don't know. And that's the problem with this. I don't know much at all. I don't know the big plan of everything. But I won't try to guess because I've got a habit of being wrong more often than not.
Anyways, last night I tried getting over her, by calling and catching up with an old flame... and old, long-distance flame, but a pretty, funny, charming 19-year-old old flame. In past experience, some initial emotional rebound without throwing oneself in headlong emotionally, helps speed up the recovery. Didn't work this time. Muh... The next few months at least are going to be a no-win situation. When I see her, I think about her, when I don't see her, I think about her, and miss her. What being thousands of miles will do, I don't know.
Finding reasons to, or not to, get over her is a futile exercise, since emotions don't follow logic.
I asked my friend Emma, "I've noticed girls change their minds a lot between the ages of 18 and 21 or 22... when do you think they decide what they want?" She paused for a moment, then replied, "When it's too late". In my past, several girls whom I've liked and told, have rejected me when they had their chance, then once I had moved on, changed their minds, but it was too late then. What happened with them was not that I changed in any way, nor do I believe the distance to be the primary cause of them returning my sentiments too late. I think they just had the wrong mindset in the first place, and didn't notice what was already there. What people have already decided determines how they'll look at you. And on a more universal scale, why does everyone know stories of the sweetheart who ended up with an utter bastard? Same reason but the other way around, ultimately. I've prayed that Laura finds for herself someone who would love and cherish her, and that's all I can do. She made her choice with me. She'll make her choice with other guys. Note: This isn't a logical statement by which I can trigger a "it's ok, you can get over her now" response.
I could be completely negative about this, but where I can, I'm trying to be positive about this. I've felt something I've not felt before, and someone became very precious to me, even if the feeling wasn't mutual. I didn't fall for my dreams, but the one who I truly believed was the girl of my dreams, not because of my dreams but because of who she was and is, in the ordinary, not so grandiose events of everyday life. If my life was to end tomorrow, I'd be glad I at least got to feel this.
And that's all the optimism I can muster. And I don't know how long it'll last. Or whether I'll be consistent with it. Hopefully I'll be out of here before that love turns into pain. One of the most mind-changing questions I've ever been asked was "...and just how would you feel if you saw her holding hands and kissing another bloke right across from you?"
Thanks to everyone of you who have been cheering me on in the past 2 months about this. But I think I've finally taken Laura at her words, and by implication, accepted that my heart, as strongly as I felt about her, was wrong again.
That doesn't mean that I've accepted that I can't fight probability or "realism" or that I've submitted to the "ordinary" and that I'm no longer a dreamer. Here's a song I wrote which I wouldn't usually share with everyone, but some close friends have seen it, and I think it's appropriate to put it here.
"Man born blind"
Have you ever cried?
Not knowing why?
The tears flow down your cheeks
-An empty weep.
That's what this is like
But I know why
And my empty arms ache
Just to hold you close
Like a man born blind
Misses his own eyes
I already miss the one
whose name I do not know
I sing this song
in unknown hope
And I walk on
Out of one thousand women
Would one of them
Even get to know me?
Would they look beneath what they see?
And of those thousand's few
Well what would they do?
Because I'm not the same
They might just run a mile.
A million to one it may be
That's tough but it sounds good to me
Because if you're out there
I gladly take this chance.
I sing this song
in unknown hope
And I walk on
You're the one whose eyes I long to see through
You're the one whose side I want to walk by
You're the one who I'm already living for.
I sing this song
in unknown hope
And I walk on
I live this life
in unknown love
And I walk on
"Men, love your wives as Christ loved the Church, giving up Himself [in life, suffering, and death] for her..."
-Ephesians 5:25
I think it's just as well I'm probably going away from here in September. I knew getting over Laura wasn't going to be easy because I didn't want to even try to get over her. I can categorically say that I've never cared so deeply for another girl in my life. But I realized that if I don't somehow get over her, as soon as she starts dating someone else, it's going to tear me up inside if I still care about and want to be with her as much as I do now. In a perfect world, perhaps there would be no "I want" in the picture, with me just trying to be happy for her... then again, I'm not sure whether that's really humanly expectable, with or without the presence of selfishness that we all carry in this life. I was almost about to tell her this, since I had been avoiding giving the whole truth in a conversation a few nights ago, but I ultimately didn't say all this, because 1. I think she already figured this out for herself and 2. I wouldn't want to put undue pressure on her and make her feel uncomfortable or like I was putting any restrictions on her freedom. Honestly, perhaps she wouldn't have been afraid of re-awakening the claustrophobic feelings she described if I hadn't been so keen to spend time with her at every chance I got before I spoke to her. I don't know. I think she knows in theory that my views of dating are pretty much "just friends" in that two people freely choose to spend time together without any contractual binding. In other words, dating is not a pseudo-marriage, it's not "a committed relationship" and there's no contract saying "thou must spendeth X amount of time with the other person or we'll sue thine ass". It's a category of friendship, in my eyes. Only when it approaches questions of marriage does it become serious. If she saw that in practice maybe her views would change, I don't know. And that's the problem with this. I don't know much at all. I don't know the big plan of everything. But I won't try to guess because I've got a habit of being wrong more often than not.
Anyways, last night I tried getting over her, by calling and catching up with an old flame... and old, long-distance flame, but a pretty, funny, charming 19-year-old old flame. In past experience, some initial emotional rebound without throwing oneself in headlong emotionally, helps speed up the recovery. Didn't work this time. Muh... The next few months at least are going to be a no-win situation. When I see her, I think about her, when I don't see her, I think about her, and miss her. What being thousands of miles will do, I don't know.
Finding reasons to, or not to, get over her is a futile exercise, since emotions don't follow logic.
I asked my friend Emma, "I've noticed girls change their minds a lot between the ages of 18 and 21 or 22... when do you think they decide what they want?" She paused for a moment, then replied, "When it's too late". In my past, several girls whom I've liked and told, have rejected me when they had their chance, then once I had moved on, changed their minds, but it was too late then. What happened with them was not that I changed in any way, nor do I believe the distance to be the primary cause of them returning my sentiments too late. I think they just had the wrong mindset in the first place, and didn't notice what was already there. What people have already decided determines how they'll look at you. And on a more universal scale, why does everyone know stories of the sweetheart who ended up with an utter bastard? Same reason but the other way around, ultimately. I've prayed that Laura finds for herself someone who would love and cherish her, and that's all I can do. She made her choice with me. She'll make her choice with other guys. Note: This isn't a logical statement by which I can trigger a "it's ok, you can get over her now" response.
I could be completely negative about this, but where I can, I'm trying to be positive about this. I've felt something I've not felt before, and someone became very precious to me, even if the feeling wasn't mutual. I didn't fall for my dreams, but the one who I truly believed was the girl of my dreams, not because of my dreams but because of who she was and is, in the ordinary, not so grandiose events of everyday life. If my life was to end tomorrow, I'd be glad I at least got to feel this.
And that's all the optimism I can muster. And I don't know how long it'll last. Or whether I'll be consistent with it. Hopefully I'll be out of here before that love turns into pain. One of the most mind-changing questions I've ever been asked was "...and just how would you feel if you saw her holding hands and kissing another bloke right across from you?"
Thanks to everyone of you who have been cheering me on in the past 2 months about this. But I think I've finally taken Laura at her words, and by implication, accepted that my heart, as strongly as I felt about her, was wrong again.
That doesn't mean that I've accepted that I can't fight probability or "realism" or that I've submitted to the "ordinary" and that I'm no longer a dreamer. Here's a song I wrote which I wouldn't usually share with everyone, but some close friends have seen it, and I think it's appropriate to put it here.
"Man born blind"
Have you ever cried?
Not knowing why?
The tears flow down your cheeks
-An empty weep.
That's what this is like
But I know why
And my empty arms ache
Just to hold you close
Like a man born blind
Misses his own eyes
I already miss the one
whose name I do not know
I sing this song
in unknown hope
And I walk on
Out of one thousand women
Would one of them
Even get to know me?
Would they look beneath what they see?
And of those thousand's few
Well what would they do?
Because I'm not the same
They might just run a mile.
A million to one it may be
That's tough but it sounds good to me
Because if you're out there
I gladly take this chance.
I sing this song
in unknown hope
And I walk on
You're the one whose eyes I long to see through
You're the one whose side I want to walk by
You're the one who I'm already living for.
I sing this song
in unknown hope
And I walk on
I live this life
in unknown love
And I walk on
"Men, love your wives as Christ loved the Church, giving up Himself [in life, suffering, and death] for her..."
-Ephesians 5:25
Monday, May 30, 2005
Stuff I do when I should be studying...
"Califorina girls" as mutilated by myself and my cohort, Khreygue (or "Craig" to the non-TeH Chris-speak-speaking people)...
(Click the play button below for the MIDI music... People who embed hidden invisible auto-playing MIDI files (of doooom) into their pages should be shot. One of them I am not. Hey, that rhymed.)
(Click the play button below for the MIDI music... People who embed hidden invisible auto-playing MIDI files (of doooom) into their pages should be shot. One of them I am not. Hey, that rhymed.)
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Some days, I can soberly ascent to objective decisions based on the information I have.
Other days, I actually feel like following my heart... or gut... or spleen.
God help me. I'm torn in two.
Right, onto Aramaic...
Other days, I actually feel like following my heart... or gut... or spleen.
God help me. I'm torn in two.
Right, onto Aramaic...
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
I like songs that you actually feel like sometimes
"I'm so glad that God is God and that I'm not. I'm beginning to grow content with my life being completely out of control.."
(I can relate...)
As I survey the ground for ants
Looking for a place to sit and read
I'm reminded of the streets of my hometown
How they're much like this concrete that's warm beneath my feet
And how I'm all wrapped up in my mother's face
With a touch of my father just up around the eyes
And the sound of my brother's laugh
But more wrapped up in what binds our ever distant lives
Hometown weather is on TV
I imagine the lives of the people living there
And I'm curious if they imagine me
Cause they just wanna leave; I wish that I could stay
But if I must go
Things I trust will be better off without me
But I don't want to know
Life is better off a mystery
So keep'em coming these lines on the road
And keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load
And keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes
Even from Chico to Charlottesville
I'm always well provided for
But left with longing just enough
To remind me of the day before
And to visit places from my past
But only for an hour or so
Which is long enough to smell the air
To tell the tale and find the door
But I get turned around
I mistake some happiness for blessing
But I'm blessed as the poor
Still I judge success by how I'm dressing
So keep'em coming these lines on the road
And keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load
And keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes
So I'll sing a song of my hometown
I'll breathe the air and walk the streets
Maybe find a place to sit and read
And the ants are welcome company
So keep'em coming these lines on the road
And keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load
And keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes
I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes.
-Derek Webb
(I can relate...)
As I survey the ground for ants
Looking for a place to sit and read
I'm reminded of the streets of my hometown
How they're much like this concrete that's warm beneath my feet
And how I'm all wrapped up in my mother's face
With a touch of my father just up around the eyes
And the sound of my brother's laugh
But more wrapped up in what binds our ever distant lives
Hometown weather is on TV
I imagine the lives of the people living there
And I'm curious if they imagine me
Cause they just wanna leave; I wish that I could stay
But if I must go
Things I trust will be better off without me
But I don't want to know
Life is better off a mystery
So keep'em coming these lines on the road
And keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load
And keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes
Even from Chico to Charlottesville
I'm always well provided for
But left with longing just enough
To remind me of the day before
And to visit places from my past
But only for an hour or so
Which is long enough to smell the air
To tell the tale and find the door
But I get turned around
I mistake some happiness for blessing
But I'm blessed as the poor
Still I judge success by how I'm dressing
So keep'em coming these lines on the road
And keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load
And keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes
So I'll sing a song of my hometown
I'll breathe the air and walk the streets
Maybe find a place to sit and read
And the ants are welcome company
So keep'em coming these lines on the road
And keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load
And keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes
I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes.
-Derek Webb
I really shouldn't be suprised when things in life don't make sense
Anyways, I should be studying for my Greek exam right now, but I've been studying for it from the time I woke up this morning and not much is going into my head anyway right now so I'm taking a short break to post this. The following was written by Josh S back in his Fearsome Pirate blog days, and I had it saved on my computer, and has helped me through the last day and a bit. I don't have the exact same perspective as Josh in everything, but this is full of good points presented very effectively. (I also can't stand when people speak of being out of the body after death as being "our eternal home" and the like). So with his kind permission, here it is again (emphases mine. This really is worth reading, printing out, and stapling onto the forehead of a friend or unsuspecting peasant):
Why I Don't Hate Life Anymore
Let's face it: life has a ridiculously high Suck Potential, and there are some people whose lives have a pretty high Suck Factor. That's just the way it is. It really pisses me off when people act like God is going to turn your life into happy-clappy sunshine bunnies just because... well, just because! God always does that! Well, no, he doesn't. Any time somebody tells me that such-and-so is bound to happen, I think of Christians who got their throats ripped open by lions, put up on poles and set on fire to light the city streets. Yeah. No bunnies for those guys... Was their problem that they didn't "just wait on God"? Did they not have enough faith? If you're Lutheran, you're probably familiar with the persecution in Africa (or 16th-C Europe). If Orthodox, think of Stalin. If Reformed, France. Do you look at those people as being let down by God? Where's the temporal security and happiness that God has apparently promised to American Christians?
Well, while that's a pretty crappy answer, so is, "Well, you go to heaven when you die, and you'll be happy there." You know what? Heaven sucks. Floating around in ethereal, spiritual bliss sounds like a bum deal to me if you've got to go through a hell of a life to get there. Sorry if I've never been impressed by the doctrine of heaven, but it's always sounded pretty lame to me. I mean, it sure beats hell... But what doesn't? Hey, it's hell!
But anyway, I realized that the Christian Gospel really isn't about going to heaven when you die, (and it sure as crap isn't about getting God to shower temporal gifts on you, no matter how much merit you may or may not have or American you may or may not be). It's about being resurrected when Jesus comes back, which is a pretty sweet deal if you ask me. Heaven is just sort of that little interim stage--it's like the courtship before marriage. It's not that courtship in itself sucks, but it sure would if you had to do it forever. Heaven's the same way. If that's all there is, it would kind of suck... But it's not. It's just preparation, the holding pattern before you land in the Bahamas. See, when you get resurrected, you get to live again, and that's why Christians aren't afraid of martyrdom. Resurrection isn't just singing the Hallelujah Chorus ad nauseam; it's real, physical, bodily life. Whatever sucks in this life will be completely desuckified in the next. I'm not saying I know how it will be... You know, that whole "no eye hath seen, no ear hath heard" business. I'm not going to lie and say that being alone all the time completely rocks in every conceivable way. Sometimes, it sucks, and consigning yourself to bachelorhood just multiplies temptations. And yeah, I know there's no marriage in the resurrection... All I'm saying is that whatever God has planned for the next life will be better. It's like that with any of our current desires. God's created us to have and desire all kinds of things, but because of the Fall, they often go unfulfilled. People die hungry, sick, alone, and unloved all the time. It's a fact of this world, and even if theonomists controlled everything, it wouldn't go away, because even the most rigid theonomist can't erase sin. But for those who die in Christ, God will more than fulfill everything they were missing the first time around.
The Word they still shall let remain
Nor any thanks have for it;
He's by our side upon the plain
With His good gifts and Spirit.
And take they our life,
Goods, fame, child and wife,
Let these all be gone,
They yet have nothing won;
The Kingdom ours remaineth.
--"Ein' Feste Burg," v4. Martin Luther, 1529.
Why I Don't Hate Life Anymore
Let's face it: life has a ridiculously high Suck Potential, and there are some people whose lives have a pretty high Suck Factor. That's just the way it is. It really pisses me off when people act like God is going to turn your life into happy-clappy sunshine bunnies just because... well, just because! God always does that! Well, no, he doesn't. Any time somebody tells me that such-and-so is bound to happen, I think of Christians who got their throats ripped open by lions, put up on poles and set on fire to light the city streets. Yeah. No bunnies for those guys... Was their problem that they didn't "just wait on God"? Did they not have enough faith? If you're Lutheran, you're probably familiar with the persecution in Africa (or 16th-C Europe). If Orthodox, think of Stalin. If Reformed, France. Do you look at those people as being let down by God? Where's the temporal security and happiness that God has apparently promised to American Christians?
Well, while that's a pretty crappy answer, so is, "Well, you go to heaven when you die, and you'll be happy there." You know what? Heaven sucks. Floating around in ethereal, spiritual bliss sounds like a bum deal to me if you've got to go through a hell of a life to get there. Sorry if I've never been impressed by the doctrine of heaven, but it's always sounded pretty lame to me. I mean, it sure beats hell... But what doesn't? Hey, it's hell!
But anyway, I realized that the Christian Gospel really isn't about going to heaven when you die, (and it sure as crap isn't about getting God to shower temporal gifts on you, no matter how much merit you may or may not have or American you may or may not be). It's about being resurrected when Jesus comes back, which is a pretty sweet deal if you ask me. Heaven is just sort of that little interim stage--it's like the courtship before marriage. It's not that courtship in itself sucks, but it sure would if you had to do it forever. Heaven's the same way. If that's all there is, it would kind of suck... But it's not. It's just preparation, the holding pattern before you land in the Bahamas. See, when you get resurrected, you get to live again, and that's why Christians aren't afraid of martyrdom. Resurrection isn't just singing the Hallelujah Chorus ad nauseam; it's real, physical, bodily life. Whatever sucks in this life will be completely desuckified in the next. I'm not saying I know how it will be... You know, that whole "no eye hath seen, no ear hath heard" business. I'm not going to lie and say that being alone all the time completely rocks in every conceivable way. Sometimes, it sucks, and consigning yourself to bachelorhood just multiplies temptations. And yeah, I know there's no marriage in the resurrection... All I'm saying is that whatever God has planned for the next life will be better. It's like that with any of our current desires. God's created us to have and desire all kinds of things, but because of the Fall, they often go unfulfilled. People die hungry, sick, alone, and unloved all the time. It's a fact of this world, and even if theonomists controlled everything, it wouldn't go away, because even the most rigid theonomist can't erase sin. But for those who die in Christ, God will more than fulfill everything they were missing the first time around.
The Word they still shall let remain
Nor any thanks have for it;
He's by our side upon the plain
With His good gifts and Spirit.
And take they our life,
Goods, fame, child and wife,
Let these all be gone,
They yet have nothing won;
The Kingdom ours remaineth.
--"Ein' Feste Burg," v4. Martin Luther, 1529.
Monday, May 23, 2005
Pros and Cons and Just a Whole Bunch of Mixed Up Thoughts
Well, I think I'm leaning towards seeing recent events as the miracle I asked for long ago, and attending CTS in the Fall. This would mean my studies would take this sort of shape:
1st year: CTS, Ft Wayne
2nd year: Westfield House, Cambridge
3rd year: Vicarage/Curacy/(is the latter even a word?) in who knows where
4th year: CTS, Ft Wayne
Then becoming a pastor, and probably pursuing doctoral work.
Part of me... or if I'm honest, most of me, is still extremely hesitant though. And it's not just that I'm tired and exhausted of being a student. Even the thought of sacrificing the close friendships I have here, and leaving this place which, after never really having a strong feeling of being at home before in my life, feels like my home... it brings tears to my eyes. I really don't want to leave all this, and it will break my heart to do so. There'd be around 100 days between now-ish and when I go, and I know that each one of those, including today, would contain both tears of mourning of my impending loss, and tears of joy, treasuring and thanking God for having any of this at all. It feels like my life as I know it, is about to end, and a new one to begin. At any rate, it certainly would be a great shake up of almost all that I hold dear. Having worked in the US for 2 summers and making a lot of close friends on both occasions, I know what it's like to be separated by thousands of miles.
If I remove the "I" from the equation, however, then going to CTS would seem like the sensible thing to do. And God in heaven did not shy away from descending to earth as a man and sacrificing Himself on the cross for me, so in that light, whatever sacrifices I am called to make seem small. That doesn't make sacrifice any easier, though. Just that the path I tread is not fresh and untrodden.
She doesn't know this, but I probably wouldn't have even got this far in my thinking if a conversation with Laura around 10pm on Friday had gone any other way. For the record, I don't get this way about EVERY girl. There's just... well... how do I explain this? I guess the strongest point about this was how one night after capoeira class about a month before I met Laura, I was speaking with my friends Craig and Adrian, and I mentioned something along the lines of how all I wanted was to meet a sweet, beautiful girl, who I could be myself with, who would be a close friend and companion to me... then how cool it would be if she also did capoeira... and could work out with me at the gym, etc. Then a while later I met Laura (as you have already read about... if you haven't, scroll down a bit). The night I met her I was stunned in a way I've never been before, and for some reason, I knew she was special, and then the more time I spent talking with her and the more I learned about her from Craig the more I was impressed with her, and eventually she entered my circle of close friends... and started coming to capoeira... then joined the same gym as I and the rest of my friends go to... You know, when stuff like this happens, it sometimes feels like God's saying "Here's the girl of your dreams... but you can't have her! HA!". Oh, anyways... back to what I was talking about at the beginning of the paragraph... Maybe she was just trying to be nice, but I think she trusts me enough to tell me the truth. She said that the last time she was in a relationship, she felt claustrophobic and wanted to get out, and didn't want that to happen again. She also started to say "maybe in the future..." but I can't hang my dearest dreams on a maybe.
Now I'm tempted to be cynical about this... having heard similar things from girls in the past who, once I had moved on, a few months later said that now they had changed their mind... sometimes it just feels like my timing and the timing of the rest of the world, is intrinsically and unavoidably set to clash... but this time, I'm not cynical. All I wanted when I spoke to her was for her to be happy. She truly is the most beautiful girl I've ever known, and I told her myself, as dorky as it sounds, that I knew that 99% of her beauty could not be seen with eyesight, and that the more I got to know her, the more beautiful she seemed to me. My prayer the whole time was that she would eventually find for herself someone who would love and cherish and care for her selflessly, be it me or someone else. I still care just as deeply for her as before, and I don't think I'm ever going to stop caring so deeply for her. She brings me so much joy just by being herself around me, and she doesn't know it but she was the primary instrument God used to bring me out of the depression I was suffering. Emotionally, she's going to be the most difficult thing here to walk away from. I'd rather not be in a romantic relationship with her as much as I'd like to be, and have her as a close friend, than not have her in my life at all. And I could be content with that. I can't describe how much trust and care there is in our friendship. It's beautiful, how close we've become in the relatively short time we've known each other, it really is. Keeping in touch though being separated by thousands of miles just isn't the same. I also know that when I go, those words "maybe in the future..." will be absolutely excluded from the realm of possibility.
"...but you can't have her! HA!"
I wish I knew why it looks so much like that.
If I walk away from all this, it won't be because I want to.
But when are my feelings ever right?
1st year: CTS, Ft Wayne
2nd year: Westfield House, Cambridge
3rd year: Vicarage/Curacy/(is the latter even a word?) in who knows where
4th year: CTS, Ft Wayne
Then becoming a pastor, and probably pursuing doctoral work.
Part of me... or if I'm honest, most of me, is still extremely hesitant though. And it's not just that I'm tired and exhausted of being a student. Even the thought of sacrificing the close friendships I have here, and leaving this place which, after never really having a strong feeling of being at home before in my life, feels like my home... it brings tears to my eyes. I really don't want to leave all this, and it will break my heart to do so. There'd be around 100 days between now-ish and when I go, and I know that each one of those, including today, would contain both tears of mourning of my impending loss, and tears of joy, treasuring and thanking God for having any of this at all. It feels like my life as I know it, is about to end, and a new one to begin. At any rate, it certainly would be a great shake up of almost all that I hold dear. Having worked in the US for 2 summers and making a lot of close friends on both occasions, I know what it's like to be separated by thousands of miles.
If I remove the "I" from the equation, however, then going to CTS would seem like the sensible thing to do. And God in heaven did not shy away from descending to earth as a man and sacrificing Himself on the cross for me, so in that light, whatever sacrifices I am called to make seem small. That doesn't make sacrifice any easier, though. Just that the path I tread is not fresh and untrodden.
She doesn't know this, but I probably wouldn't have even got this far in my thinking if a conversation with Laura around 10pm on Friday had gone any other way. For the record, I don't get this way about EVERY girl. There's just... well... how do I explain this? I guess the strongest point about this was how one night after capoeira class about a month before I met Laura, I was speaking with my friends Craig and Adrian, and I mentioned something along the lines of how all I wanted was to meet a sweet, beautiful girl, who I could be myself with, who would be a close friend and companion to me... then how cool it would be if she also did capoeira... and could work out with me at the gym, etc. Then a while later I met Laura (as you have already read about... if you haven't, scroll down a bit). The night I met her I was stunned in a way I've never been before, and for some reason, I knew she was special, and then the more time I spent talking with her and the more I learned about her from Craig the more I was impressed with her, and eventually she entered my circle of close friends... and started coming to capoeira... then joined the same gym as I and the rest of my friends go to... You know, when stuff like this happens, it sometimes feels like God's saying "Here's the girl of your dreams... but you can't have her! HA!". Oh, anyways... back to what I was talking about at the beginning of the paragraph... Maybe she was just trying to be nice, but I think she trusts me enough to tell me the truth. She said that the last time she was in a relationship, she felt claustrophobic and wanted to get out, and didn't want that to happen again. She also started to say "maybe in the future..." but I can't hang my dearest dreams on a maybe.
Now I'm tempted to be cynical about this... having heard similar things from girls in the past who, once I had moved on, a few months later said that now they had changed their mind... sometimes it just feels like my timing and the timing of the rest of the world, is intrinsically and unavoidably set to clash... but this time, I'm not cynical. All I wanted when I spoke to her was for her to be happy. She truly is the most beautiful girl I've ever known, and I told her myself, as dorky as it sounds, that I knew that 99% of her beauty could not be seen with eyesight, and that the more I got to know her, the more beautiful she seemed to me. My prayer the whole time was that she would eventually find for herself someone who would love and cherish and care for her selflessly, be it me or someone else. I still care just as deeply for her as before, and I don't think I'm ever going to stop caring so deeply for her. She brings me so much joy just by being herself around me, and she doesn't know it but she was the primary instrument God used to bring me out of the depression I was suffering. Emotionally, she's going to be the most difficult thing here to walk away from. I'd rather not be in a romantic relationship with her as much as I'd like to be, and have her as a close friend, than not have her in my life at all. And I could be content with that. I can't describe how much trust and care there is in our friendship. It's beautiful, how close we've become in the relatively short time we've known each other, it really is. Keeping in touch though being separated by thousands of miles just isn't the same. I also know that when I go, those words "maybe in the future..." will be absolutely excluded from the realm of possibility.
"...but you can't have her! HA!"
I wish I knew why it looks so much like that.
If I walk away from all this, it won't be because I want to.
But when are my feelings ever right?
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
If a man desired the task of an overseer...
Last night I received an email that I didn't expect to get for a few weeks. Suffice it to say, with some hard work on my part, I'd have a feasible chance of going to CTS.
The problem is... I don't know if that's still what I want.
Since the prospects of going to seminary looked extremely bleak, I've been becoming accustomed to the idea of finding a nice 9-5 job that I can work hard at, and then leave in work, and enjoy my social-, then later, family-life. Also, this academic year has thoroughly exhausted me, and I honestly don't know if I ever want to write another essay in my life, let alone a Masters thesis then later a PhD, as I had originally planned.
It's not so much the office of the pastor that I fear, as the running-into-the-ground by some congregations of their pastors. I also spoke of how cruel some people can be because I am not, and cannot be, as hard as I've tried, "nice". I can, by the grace of Christ, be truthful and genuine and self-sacrificially loving, but I can't be nice. And in this imperfect world, I know and have seen repeatedly which of those qualities is highest on the list of practical necessities. You may have read my post from a while ago about my breakdown. I can't afford that to happen to me again. I know how easily I break.
I'll be calling the CTS admissions office tomorrow, but tonight, I just feel like I don't know if I can bring myself to want what I used to want so badly.
And I fear making a decision I may regret for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I wish God used appearances, angels and audible voices more often.
The problem is... I don't know if that's still what I want.
Since the prospects of going to seminary looked extremely bleak, I've been becoming accustomed to the idea of finding a nice 9-5 job that I can work hard at, and then leave in work, and enjoy my social-, then later, family-life. Also, this academic year has thoroughly exhausted me, and I honestly don't know if I ever want to write another essay in my life, let alone a Masters thesis then later a PhD, as I had originally planned.
It's not so much the office of the pastor that I fear, as the running-into-the-ground by some congregations of their pastors. I also spoke of how cruel some people can be because I am not, and cannot be, as hard as I've tried, "nice". I can, by the grace of Christ, be truthful and genuine and self-sacrificially loving, but I can't be nice. And in this imperfect world, I know and have seen repeatedly which of those qualities is highest on the list of practical necessities. You may have read my post from a while ago about my breakdown. I can't afford that to happen to me again. I know how easily I break.
I'll be calling the CTS admissions office tomorrow, but tonight, I just feel like I don't know if I can bring myself to want what I used to want so badly.
And I fear making a decision I may regret for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I wish God used appearances, angels and audible voices more often.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
The first theological post on here in months?! This must mean the sun is about to explode.
The Lutheran-Reformed Christology dissertation is finally finished, and the peasants are rejoicing.
As promised, I am blogging it. If you would like to view it, use this link for the Open Office version, or here for the Word version, including messed up formatting.
Readers will notice a combination of critical engagement with sources, and just me being a student using typical student-ways of writing.
Update: At the suggestion of John H, it now comes in a lovely PDF version. Oooooh.
As promised, I am blogging it. If you would like to view it, use this link for the Open Office version, or here for the Word version, including messed up formatting.
Readers will notice a combination of critical engagement with sources, and just me being a student using typical student-ways of writing.
Update: At the suggestion of John H, it now comes in a lovely PDF version. Oooooh.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
There aren't words to say...
2 nights ago, the eldest daughter of my pastor (Pr. Graham Jenks), who had been having kidney problems, received a kidney donated from her mother, and had a few problems but nothing externally obvious, suddenly passed away in her sleep 2 nights ago. She leaves a husband and a young son.
Please keep the friends and families concerned in your prayers.
Please keep the friends and families concerned in your prayers.
