Saturday, April 01, 2006
Overly honest thought explosion
I have a few things on my mind and some job applications I need to do NOW. So, here's a shot at doing something a little different and getting everything off my chest: Writing everything I'm thinking at the moment, as I think of it. I'll correct spelling when I go back over it. (Most of the preceding paragraph was typed when I felt like my head went empty).
Ready. Set. Go.
...I have too many applications to do. Why am I working for 6 bucks an hour when I'm doing work above and beyond my job description that's saving the company thousands in an area the management couldn't be bothered to audit, all the while, i'm still a temp. Will I ever get into a real job? I hate overly neat and divided competency-based interviews. I know how I could have done better in my PwC assessment day. I think I'll like audit, or at least be comfortable with it. I love my girlfriend. I don't deserve her. I'm so full of anger, and I get even more pissed off when I notice it, which is all too often now. I hate hating. Most of me is wrong. My mother used to tell me that I shouldn't go to church because I'm such a spiteful bastard. She's right in that I'm not totally worthy to be called anything to do with "Christ" but He calls me His anyway. The greatest obstacle to my faith is that I pray that He makes me truly good but I'm still as bitter and fickle as I was before. My witness for Christ is horrible. Are most people I meet going to Hell? Everyone's staying away from what they're really looking for. I wonder if He'll let me lose my faith? I want my kids to be brought up in the faith. I hope Em gets to spend Sundays with me soon. I don't want my kids to make the same mistakes I did. What am I supposed to be? Do I get over this hill of hating the greater part of what I see in me or is that precisely the state I'm supposed to be in to receive heaven. My friends are nice, kind, polite people. I miss many of them. I haven't kept in touch with uni friends. Why do I find it easier to be honest with God than with people? Sometimes I just don't love sacrificing for the sake of love. I'm not much use to God. I'm running in circles. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner. My skin's been feeling on fire for the past day and a half. I wonder if people will think I'm weird. I have nothing to lose. I don't care. Typing this is pointless. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner....
Ready. Set. Go.
...I have too many applications to do. Why am I working for 6 bucks an hour when I'm doing work above and beyond my job description that's saving the company thousands in an area the management couldn't be bothered to audit, all the while, i'm still a temp. Will I ever get into a real job? I hate overly neat and divided competency-based interviews. I know how I could have done better in my PwC assessment day. I think I'll like audit, or at least be comfortable with it. I love my girlfriend. I don't deserve her. I'm so full of anger, and I get even more pissed off when I notice it, which is all too often now. I hate hating. Most of me is wrong. My mother used to tell me that I shouldn't go to church because I'm such a spiteful bastard. She's right in that I'm not totally worthy to be called anything to do with "Christ" but He calls me His anyway. The greatest obstacle to my faith is that I pray that He makes me truly good but I'm still as bitter and fickle as I was before. My witness for Christ is horrible. Are most people I meet going to Hell? Everyone's staying away from what they're really looking for. I wonder if He'll let me lose my faith? I want my kids to be brought up in the faith. I hope Em gets to spend Sundays with me soon. I don't want my kids to make the same mistakes I did. What am I supposed to be? Do I get over this hill of hating the greater part of what I see in me or is that precisely the state I'm supposed to be in to receive heaven. My friends are nice, kind, polite people. I miss many of them. I haven't kept in touch with uni friends. Why do I find it easier to be honest with God than with people? Sometimes I just don't love sacrificing for the sake of love. I'm not much use to God. I'm running in circles. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner. My skin's been feeling on fire for the past day and a half. I wonder if people will think I'm weird. I have nothing to lose. I don't care. Typing this is pointless. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner....
